Various Pets Alive and Dead by Lewycka Marina

Author:Lewycka, Marina [Lewycka, Marina]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin UK
Published: 2012-03-01T00:00:00+00:00

SERGE: The $700 billion bailout

‘Can I ring you back on this?’ Serge’s broker says.

And Serge says, ‘Of course,’ because he can’t explain that he’s actually sitting in the disabled loo making this call, and in fact his phone will be switched off for most of the day.

After last week’s scare, he’s decided to bow out of Kenporter1601, and to trade from now on only as Dr Black. The surprising thing is how long it took Chicken to catch on. Using his calculator, he works out that he’s in the clear. Not only has he repaid the original money he borrowed from the 1601 account to place his trades but, according to his arithmetic, he’s actually overpaid by £1,343.20. But unless Chicken has done the same calculation, he won’t realise this, will he? And the trouble is, Serge will never know for sure whether Chicken has decided to let it pass, or whether he’s just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

The tension of not knowing makes him feel uneasy and queasy. At lunchtime he decides to bypass the FATCA cafeteria scrum and take a sandwich down to St Paul’s Walk, where he can use his phone unhindered. The sky is low and almost the same colour as the river, whose futile slapping against the stones brings on melancholy thoughts about eternity, the meaning of life and the contents of his sandwich, which has turned out to be crayfish again.

He calls his broker back, and is pleasantly surprised to learn that Dr Black is worth £599,087. He decides not to repay the mortgage just yet. Instead, he calls Otto to check out how things are with him and Molly, and to make sure that his blabby tendencies are still in check.

‘Yeah, you’re a real mate, Soz. I’ll pay you off as soon as we’re in the clear.’

‘No blabbing. Our secret, right?’

‘Sure thing.’

‘How’s Molly? When’s the new Free baby going to join us?’

‘Six weeks to go. We’ve kitted out the flat with cool baby gear in non-gender-specific pastel shades. Thanks to you, Soz.’

‘No worries. Have you seen Babs lately, by the way?’

‘I’ve not talked to her, but I saw she’s come out on Facebook. Heh heh.’

‘No way!’

Babs a lezzie! He finds the thought vaguely sexy. Maybe he should look her up.

The thought is so distracting that he forgets to turn his phone off immediately, and a moment later it rings in his pocket. He answers without checking the caller. If he had, he might not have answered. It’s Doro.

‘Oh, darling! I’ve got hold of you at last! I’ve been so worried! I thought you’d disappeared from the face of the earth.’

‘No need to worry, Mum. Everything’s hunky-dory.’

‘Because I’ve been reading about the terrible scandals in Cambridge. Amazing what these academics get up to.’

‘Oh. Yes. Awful.’

‘But your department’s not involved?’

‘Er … not a lot.’

‘Apparently it was particularly bad in maths.’

‘Oh, that’s computational. Not my kind of maths.’

‘Oh. Computational. Sounds dreadful.’

‘Mm. It can be a bit fuzzy.’

‘And how’s the PhD?’

‘Not bad. Getting there. Mum

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